(No, we won't be including this specialty in our Christmas goody boxes, but I thought I'd share the recipe in case anyone needs to know how to make fruitcake.)
4 oz. dried fruit bits
1 railroad tie
large rubber mallot
Wear your safety goggles. (Children: Get help from an adult!) Cut a one-foot section from the middle of your railroad tie. The resulting block of wood should be the size and shape of a loaf of bread.
Then, take some fruit bits and pound them into the block with your rubber mallot. Spread the colors around, or you might wind up with an ugly fruitcake. Don't be afraid to throw some elbow grease into that mallot!
Good fruit bits should be much harder than the railroad tie, so you can't break anything. For best result, you should pre-treat the fruit bits by setting them on top of your garage for a year (or by microwaving them on HIGH for 30 minutes).
Finally, cover it tightly in plastic wrap, and give your loved ones the timeless and enduring gift of fruitcake.